Hug, Hug Me Do

Why do women want to be hugged? Now there’s a real puzzler.

For such a simple gesture, hugging sure does need a lot of demystifyin’. And while men often wonder about one aspect in particular - why on EARTH hugs are so important to women - these same women, ever conscious of the unidirectional nature of their need, prefer to examine it in every. single. possible. way.

How to ask a boy for a hug (hold out your arms, and if he asks what you’re doing, reply: “I want a hug!”*), and how to do that without embarrassing yourself (hint: get a wing man).

Their knowledge extends to boyfriends (How do you get your boyfriend to hug you? Stand there with a really cute look on your face, like you’re expecting something from him… If he doesn’t hug you, cry. If he still doesn’t hug you, dump him) and husbands (How do I hug my husband? Start with a beer and just let him know you’re there); the shy (How do you give a real loving hug if you’re shy? Start slow) and the passionate (How do you hug passionately? Really mean it when you hug).

(* If he doesn’t ask, assume he thinks you’re impersonating Superman. Escape the ensuing awkward moment by telling him you’re practicing for the upcoming comic books convention. And then try to escape that awkward moment.)

Part 2: Hug protocol

Hugs are harmless, right? A gentle expression of support or comfort or affection. So are they always appropriate? The Wise Ones say… it depends.

For instance, what does it mean when a 30-year-old woman hugs a 14-year-old boy a lot, and should it be happening? (unless she’s family, probably not). Should you hug a guy after you’ve broken up with him and it’s time for him to move out? (sure. You’ve spent a part of your life together with good memories and it’s a tough decision to make; you will surely miss each other).

Even if the hug is appropriate, the logistics might not be (chuckle chuckle…). If you’re, say, 5 feet tall and the person you’re hugging is 5′8″, where do you put your arms?

The protocol is strangely silent about the ideal way to hug a guy around his friends and what to do if a girl sees her boyfriend hugging another girl and gets mad. Maybe you have some ideas of your own.

Part 3: Five things you always wanted to know about hugging

1. How can you avoid makeup stains? Use a translucent powder to set foundation; it will help keep it from coming off on white shirts during a hug.
2. Why do dogs jump at people when they hug? The dog’s jealous. Make it a group hug.
3. Why do people rub or pat your back when they hug you? Since you asked… they rub because they care, and they pat because they’re uncomfortable.
4. Can you become pregnant if you hug a guy? Yes, but it would be a coincidence. In other words, not because you hugged him. In other words… no way. But you knew that.
5. When is Hug Day? January 21. But hugs are great 24/7/365.